Bunches & bunches

Today is August 29th. I hate the month of August. More bad than good comes out of this month for me. 10 days ago was the funeral... 3 years ago. 16 days ago was the day he passed away....3 years ago. And today. Today I am grieving. I guess for me, I let things build up before I decide to not hold on anymore and it comes out like a tidal wave.

And today. Today I am wishing. To sign onto AIM and see his sn IM me. To receive a comment on my LJ saying, "I miss you bunches." To go eat at the pizza place next to rite aide. To sit out in my front yard.. like we did every night.. and talk, play thumb war, and joke around.

And I wish I could go back in time. Re-say words. Save our conversations.... just so that I can read them now and pretend we are talking now. That you are here now.

It's been 3 whole years... and I wonder what it would have been like if you were there.

If you were here.

Miracle Sun

"Where do you go when it gets dark?
And is there room for me there?"

Note to self

You are not powerless. You will find that your life is much more stable when you can learn to surf the waves of change. That is, embrace change and make it work for you, rather than resisting it all the time.

Paper planes

Summer is practically over... thank God. I'm sick of the California heat. It puts me in bad moods and I hate when I get in my "moods." Fall classes have been really good for me so far. I'm actually enjoying myself. The first year at Valley was such a waste of time.... literally. I did horrible and did not care, therefore was a wateful year. But this year... this year is different. I want to do well. I want to move forward. I want to become a journalist. I'm gunna start setting goals for myself. That way I know the person I'm letting down is no longer my family, but myself.

I also have.. dun dun dun... a job! I work at Nickolodean pizza - resturant, whateva. It's pretty sweet. The people are chill and hilarious. It's still a bit overwhelming though. And I work on Friday.... not looking forward to that. That's their busiest night!

I don't know Blogger, but everything is going pretty well in my life and yet something still feels missing. "I slept but my heart was awake." Why can't I get LOVE out of my mind!? It's all I think about, care about, wonder about..... What are you searching for Heart? The one you thought was It has left... The one you think could be It loves someone else.... What are you searching for.

Blah De Blah Blah.

Don't Peek

"Stasi remembers playing hide-in-seek in her house as a girl of five or six. She'd find the perfect place to crawl into, full of excited anticipation of the coming pursuit. Snuggled up in a closet she would wait for someone to find her. No one ever did; not even after she was missing for an hour. The picture became the defining image of her life. No one noticed; no one pursued. She hid - hid her desires, hid her dreams, and hid her heart. " - Wild at Heart



As I read that paragraph, I felt a tugg on my heart. It's easy to relate to, as a woman, when what we seek for is to be noticed, remembered, and/or loved. The moment that slips is the moment our world falls around us. We think to ourselves, no one wants to notice us, remember us, or love us. That image that Stasi has felt is an image we carry on our hearts for far too long. I wonder if anyone can see that image. Do they see our pain?



"She's still in there, but she's captive. Are you willing to go in after her?" Dating Michael was my longest, hardest, most vunerable relationship I've ever been in. And putting your guard down, for me, was the hardest part. Letting someone else in your thoughts and heart meant.... Hey, you can hurt me now. Please don't. I'm trusting you. And you alone. But through it all, he never came after me. He never truly came for my heart. Now, I don't hate him for it, but isn't that what we are all hoping for? Someone who will risk it all, who will be captivated by us, and will come to our rescue? Most will say "I can be my own rescue." But that is because you've been let down, and maybe it's been repeated.

I wonder if my knight will be coming anytime soon. I also wonder if he'd pass me by... as I continue to hold onto my past relationship.... is it really worth it in the end? It's time to truly let go and not hope for someone to come after my heart, but believe he will. It's living by Faith. It's allowing the burns to finally fade. There are no more scars. There is no more hiding.

the Past is the Future

"Time goes by too slow," my best friend stated, that I finished with saying "when you're wanting something." And on the drive home I realized time was much slower wanting something you can't have.

Getting off of la cadena onto rancho street, there comes a stop sign and at that stop sign there was always a cop (or as I call them, "copper") watching from afar at the right side, making sure people weren't breaking any rules. I got so used to seeing him there, sitting in his cop car. I always wanted to wave hello, as if he knew me by my red kia. But tonight I noticed it had been a week since the copper had been there. And that felt like it went by too fast.

I wondered....was being in a relationship just like that? Having the security you need, the comfort knowing someone was there.... does that all go by too quick to notice, that when it's gone you miss it the most?

No one really knows when it's the right time to move on, or whether it'll take too long or too quick. We can't tell our hearts to let go, but our hearts tell us. I know my heart doesn't ache anymore when I see him, but it sure does miss someone. Whoever that someone is, I'm ready to drive every street till he's in the car with me. And sometimes, we all need a sign to tell us we're going the right way.

Details in the Fabric

I was getting ready to drive to school one morning when a thought occured to mind: I hated love. And not so much because I've just experienced heart break, but because people become blind by love for far too long. They live their lives around it and hold onto it as long as they can, even if the one they love isn't holding back. I wondered if that was love at all if you give, give, give, only to be kicked to the curb.

Have you ever seen someone, who loves someone else, and you're being the outsider - you see everything. You know the deatils. You know what's being said behind each other's backs. You know who's lying and who's telling the truth, and how badly you want to pull that person away? You tell them to "let go" but they still don't know.....

Too many people these days are walking amongst this world looking for answers. And most of the time.... it's right in their face.

Hold your own

I've definitely gotten lazy with this blogger. Then again, my mind has been spinning in circles, wandering off in many directions, only to trace back to its primary spot. As over-used as this is, my heart felt like it was on a rollar coaster, but I'm finally setting foot on land. My heart is in my own hands again, and it feels weird.....but I wouldn't have it any other way.



"If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it

And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine"

A time and place for everything

Justin prophesied that over me awhile back. We both didn't know what that meant - only God knew. I think I'm figuring out that missing puzzle piece. I'm so wrapped up in my life. I'll mess up. I won't get into the Word. I'll forget to pray. I'm not the greatest Christian to follow. I'm not a leader to look up to. Why would I be one of the Wise ones who remember to bring oil? No, I would be the foolish one, who wakes up and gets hit in the face by the Truth.

What's been on my heart lately is just that. I am so not prepared for the time that Jesus returns and it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be the foolish one. I want to be the Wise. I want to be greeted in with the Bridegroom. I don't want to be the goat that's cursed. I want to be a sheep. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you're just as behind as me. We are missing EVERYTHING!

Godly Thursday

My Thursday with Camille. We gave a little update about it.

Hey Girl, Hey!

Cela and I picked up Camille Thursday, after class, from the SB Train Station. I tried my best to embarrass her. : )