Reading through old journals makes time seem like it hasn't gone by. Nothing's changed. I'm taking my own advice from 2005. Which is simply, "You need to have your own backbone, before you know you'll fall without them." After every break up, are we always in search for love again, even when we don't want, or need it?
My friends will tell me DO NOT DATE, and my head agrees, but my heart is longing. I'm so used to someone there, 24/7, that when some new guy comes into my life my head thinks "what a good friend" while my heart is asking, "potential boyfriend?" Does this mean we have to use our heads instead of our hearts?
Lord knows my hearts desire in a relationship and He also knows when I'm ready for it. The time will come. I don't know why I stress about it. I don't know why I must plan everything out, why I must create my own Prince, when God WILL deliver. It's nothing to chase after. So I'll put an anchor in the water from my love boat. I'm not ready to sail the shore. The waves are too rough and the water will come in. I would sink in this love boat of mine.
Lets be patient. Lets enjoy the scenery. You could miss it if you don't pay attention........
"Too many shadows in my room
too many hours in this midnight
too many corners in my mind
so much to do to set my heart right
Oh its taking too long
i could be wrong
i could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume, it's still unsteady
I am in repair"
Monday, July 28, 2008
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Girls vs Boys
I was a total girl yesterday. I got picked up by my best friend Angela, to go with her and Shiloh to Dianna's. The plan was to go swimming, lay out, read magazines, talk about everything, then watch the seasons of Sex and the City. Most of that plan cut back and us three ladies left the pool to go get our nails done. My toes are now a fresh hot red, designed with flowers. We checked out the Crush store in Riverside, and I about died in Heaven... (the clothes were beautiful.) So. Even though I was a total girl, I became a total boy by the end of the night.
Laying out on Angela's bed, watching Season 3 of Sex and the City, I compared ourselves to the characters we've given each other. Angela was Carrie, who plays by Sarah Jessica Parker, Shiloh was Charlotte, who plays by Kristin Davis, Diana (who wasn't there) was Samantha, who plays by Kim Cattrall, and I was Miranda, who plays by Cynthia Nixon. I was surprised to see that our characters matched us perfectly. I was never a huge fan of the show, but I definitely became one.
Watching the episode about Miranda and her boyfriend (at the time) made clarity hit me in the face. She was the guy in the relationship and it was hard for him to put up with. But Miranda was Miranda. She's stubborn and forward, just like myself. Watching her become vunerable with him almost made me cry. Was I that hard to break?
Throughout my whole relationship with Michael I was always told I was the guy. Not that he was even close "to being a girl" (in the appropiate way) I was just too stubborn to have it any other way, and he was too lenient to argue... but no man likes to be put in his place, unless needed. I did however, become vunerable with him and finally let him lead the way, but it took time and I wonder now if I was too late. Thinking about that almost makes my stomach turn. I don't think I'm ready to face the memory lane just yet, so I'll get back to my point.
I wonder if guys expect your heart right away. I wonder if any guy will ever be patient enough to wait for it. For my heart, that is. And if they wait, will it be worth it?
I guess this time Alone is more needed then I thought.
Laying out on Angela's bed, watching Season 3 of Sex and the City, I compared ourselves to the characters we've given each other. Angela was Carrie, who plays by Sarah Jessica Parker, Shiloh was Charlotte, who plays by Kristin Davis, Diana (who wasn't there) was Samantha, who plays by Kim Cattrall, and I was Miranda, who plays by Cynthia Nixon. I was surprised to see that our characters matched us perfectly. I was never a huge fan of the show, but I definitely became one.
Watching the episode about Miranda and her boyfriend (at the time) made clarity hit me in the face. She was the guy in the relationship and it was hard for him to put up with. But Miranda was Miranda. She's stubborn and forward, just like myself. Watching her become vunerable with him almost made me cry. Was I that hard to break?
Throughout my whole relationship with Michael I was always told I was the guy. Not that he was even close "to being a girl" (in the appropiate way) I was just too stubborn to have it any other way, and he was too lenient to argue... but no man likes to be put in his place, unless needed. I did however, become vunerable with him and finally let him lead the way, but it took time and I wonder now if I was too late. Thinking about that almost makes my stomach turn. I don't think I'm ready to face the memory lane just yet, so I'll get back to my point.
I wonder if guys expect your heart right away. I wonder if any guy will ever be patient enough to wait for it. For my heart, that is. And if they wait, will it be worth it?
I guess this time Alone is more needed then I thought.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Turn me around
So it's almost 4:30, dinner is being prepared to cook in the kitchen, and there's music playing in the living room (for my dad as he cooks), my little brother's bedroom, and the computer room that I am in. Its funny how much the music can relax us and fill our bodies at ease.
I definitely needed this ease, as I'm listening to Vedera's "Taking Chances."
I was sitting on my bed looking through my folder of everything I've written. Some of them are still hard to read, because I can still remember the feelings I put into them. Some, made me smile, but they all had a story to tell. I love stories. I love telling them. Fiction or not. I'm not into reading, or writing, about what hair products to use, or how to lose weight. But then again, I've never been impressed with my own writing.
All I want to do in life is put everything I have onto a sheet of paper, for the whole world to take into their own perspective and (hopefully) can get something out of my insight. I have had some people tell me Becoming a Journalist is the last thing I can do. Of course, I want to prove them wrong, but I'm sensitive and when it comes to something that means a lot to me I believe in those harsh words.
So, sitting on my bed, reading along lines I wrote a year ago, a month ago, a week..... I only beat myself up about now. And I'm here, venting through my writing about how crappy of a writer I am! Sigh.....
But then there's the music. The music that brings your body at ease, remember? God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought this into Life. So thank you. Now enjoy.
"Taking Chances"
We're taking chances, moving on your own
We're looking to our hearts to tell us yes or no
Throwing out the mirrors, gonna look within
Were you calling out, "can we begin again?"
A simple phrase, a simple sound
To find some way, know somehow
To know that i can find a way to be with you
And we keep growing, as long as i keep growing
I'll be fine
So let me find my footing now
Along the bridge that i have found
If i keep falling down somehow
You know that you can turn me around
I definitely needed this ease, as I'm listening to Vedera's "Taking Chances."
I was sitting on my bed looking through my folder of everything I've written. Some of them are still hard to read, because I can still remember the feelings I put into them. Some, made me smile, but they all had a story to tell. I love stories. I love telling them. Fiction or not. I'm not into reading, or writing, about what hair products to use, or how to lose weight. But then again, I've never been impressed with my own writing.
All I want to do in life is put everything I have onto a sheet of paper, for the whole world to take into their own perspective and (hopefully) can get something out of my insight. I have had some people tell me Becoming a Journalist is the last thing I can do. Of course, I want to prove them wrong, but I'm sensitive and when it comes to something that means a lot to me I believe in those harsh words.
So, sitting on my bed, reading along lines I wrote a year ago, a month ago, a week..... I only beat myself up about now. And I'm here, venting through my writing about how crappy of a writer I am! Sigh.....
But then there's the music. The music that brings your body at ease, remember? God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought this into Life. So thank you. Now enjoy.
"Taking Chances"
We're taking chances, moving on your own
We're looking to our hearts to tell us yes or no
Throwing out the mirrors, gonna look within
Were you calling out, "can we begin again?"
A simple phrase, a simple sound
To find some way, know somehow
To know that i can find a way to be with you
And we keep growing, as long as i keep growing
I'll be fine
So let me find my footing now
Along the bridge that i have found
If i keep falling down somehow
You know that you can turn me around
Monday, July 21, 2008
when the Blind can See
My life, in many ways, is wonderful. I’m more blessed than one can be, but in life there’s always going to be something to try and bring you down. For instance, one of the worst feelings in the world is knowing your heart’s about to break. We always can feel it in advance and even though we know what’s headed our way we still stand and take it. Like many, I’ve been fighting this thing called Love for quite some time. I’ve been in the position of feeling like a rock thrown into the ocean. I’d skip to each wave, above the water, but like all rocks we fall straight down; the weight we carry can’t be held anymore.
The moment I put my guard down and give someone a chance is the moment I realize, in the end, its my own heart that’s going to hurt, and yet I still continue this cycle. I put myself at fault for the unsuccessful results, when truthfully I deserve more credit than I give myself. Though, through all these aches and tears there’s only one thing getting us through the day…..which are things we already have. I’ll seek for love as if I don’t have it and if you’re like me then we both need to take a step back and embrace our Blessings.
One things for sure, our hearts are never (and I mean never) to go mistreated. We have to be cautious when playing this thing called Love. There is no reason to fight for someone when they’re not willing to fight for you. Once we believe in the truth our blind eyes will finally see and our hearts will not be like rocks. We won’t be falling down much longer. The weight will surpass and we will see the bubbles start to form. We can breathe again. We can, and will.
Job 33:4
The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.
The moment I put my guard down and give someone a chance is the moment I realize, in the end, its my own heart that’s going to hurt, and yet I still continue this cycle. I put myself at fault for the unsuccessful results, when truthfully I deserve more credit than I give myself. Though, through all these aches and tears there’s only one thing getting us through the day…..which are things we already have. I’ll seek for love as if I don’t have it and if you’re like me then we both need to take a step back and embrace our Blessings.
One things for sure, our hearts are never (and I mean never) to go mistreated. We have to be cautious when playing this thing called Love. There is no reason to fight for someone when they’re not willing to fight for you. Once we believe in the truth our blind eyes will finally see and our hearts will not be like rocks. We won’t be falling down much longer. The weight will surpass and we will see the bubbles start to form. We can breathe again. We can, and will.
Job 33:4
The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
My July
New things poping in and out of my life. Birthdays galore. Joyful moments. Emotional times. Favorite songs. Conquering fears. I don't know about you but that's how my July has been so far. I'd like to take more of the happiness though.
Monday, July 14, 2008
So long, Good-bye
I've been getting into the band 10 years - hence the title. I don't really care what you have to say about that blogger; I like what I like.
Besides the fact that I'm singing along to this amazing song, I choose the title for another reason. This week has been my favorite of all. Not because I've done something exciting, it's actually quite opposite. I've spent this whole week attending my speech class for an hour then hanging out with my family. I'd go support my little brother with his baseball games, even when they're out in Hesperia and we find out as soon as we get there that the game's been cancelled due to the storm and lightening. I guess that's what happens when you go in seperate cars, but that's beside the point. I spent this whole week reflecting my family: having joy and relief and letting God be in charge. I didn't worry about my heart. I didn't worry about missing someone. I didn't worry about putting the effort anymore. It was my week with the most important people to me.
I've realized this "so long, goodbye" has been a struggle for the last four months, but I'm finally able to agree with everyone who's been getting me through this: I can let go and move on. I've had to do this a few times before, but when you don't imagine it happening again it hurts you more because you've been disappointed, or let down. Especially when you put your whole heart into something just to find out you've gotten burned in the end makes you not want to try again. And I'm not saying I am trying again, however I am afraid to. But that's why we have God, right? To turn to, to lean on, and to even rejoice with.
Step 1. Let go
- You've done it before. You've let go of the past. Now let go of this pain.
Step 2. Move forward
- Not in the sense of someone new, not "to replace", but in the sense of Get on with your life! Don't let heart ache bring you down. You are stronger than this.
Step 3. Take a look around
- You have everything you will ever need. Isn't that crazy? You don't have to look for it, you don't have to fight for it, it's in your hands!
So I guess I'll close this with the chorus. "So long, this is goodbye May we meet again in another life Like strangers passing by May we see it clearly in a different light"
Besides the fact that I'm singing along to this amazing song, I choose the title for another reason. This week has been my favorite of all. Not because I've done something exciting, it's actually quite opposite. I've spent this whole week attending my speech class for an hour then hanging out with my family. I'd go support my little brother with his baseball games, even when they're out in Hesperia and we find out as soon as we get there that the game's been cancelled due to the storm and lightening. I guess that's what happens when you go in seperate cars, but that's beside the point. I spent this whole week reflecting my family: having joy and relief and letting God be in charge. I didn't worry about my heart. I didn't worry about missing someone. I didn't worry about putting the effort anymore. It was my week with the most important people to me.
I've realized this "so long, goodbye" has been a struggle for the last four months, but I'm finally able to agree with everyone who's been getting me through this: I can let go and move on. I've had to do this a few times before, but when you don't imagine it happening again it hurts you more because you've been disappointed, or let down. Especially when you put your whole heart into something just to find out you've gotten burned in the end makes you not want to try again. And I'm not saying I am trying again, however I am afraid to. But that's why we have God, right? To turn to, to lean on, and to even rejoice with.
Step 1. Let go
- You've done it before. You've let go of the past. Now let go of this pain.
Step 2. Move forward
- Not in the sense of someone new, not "to replace", but in the sense of Get on with your life! Don't let heart ache bring you down. You are stronger than this.
Step 3. Take a look around
- You have everything you will ever need. Isn't that crazy? You don't have to look for it, you don't have to fight for it, it's in your hands!
So I guess I'll close this with the chorus. "So long, this is goodbye May we meet again in another life Like strangers passing by May we see it clearly in a different light"
Thursday, July 10, 2008
My first little rant
I swear I'm going to use this thing. It's just taken some time.
On a bad note. I'm tired of running in circles and getting my hopes up. I'm still sick, which doesn't help this running around. I'm worried my actions are going to start speaking louder than words. Also, tonight is one of my best friends going away party and crying + sickness = a no bueno picture.
On a good note. School is fairly easy this summer. Speech class was once my worst nightmare but now the storm is gone and the sun is shining. In other words: I'm doing AWESOME and I'm comfortable, which means my inner personality pours out. My teacher actually told me, "you don't strike me as someone who's shy. you strike me as someone who's kick ass." YUP. ME.
Well that's it for now.
On a bad note. I'm tired of running in circles and getting my hopes up. I'm still sick, which doesn't help this running around. I'm worried my actions are going to start speaking louder than words. Also, tonight is one of my best friends going away party and crying + sickness = a no bueno picture.
On a good note. School is fairly easy this summer. Speech class was once my worst nightmare but now the storm is gone and the sun is shining. In other words: I'm doing AWESOME and I'm comfortable, which means my inner personality pours out. My teacher actually told me, "you don't strike me as someone who's shy. you strike me as someone who's kick ass." YUP. ME.
Well that's it for now.
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