You have a gift. I read what you wrote and it was really good. You are right. You need to have dreams and go after them now. I am a happy father with three great kids and I am especially proud of you. You are turning into a caring, intelligent and talented young lady. When I think of you, It brings a smile to my face. Don’t let anyone or anything change the way you are. You are simply AMAZING
LOVE YOU
DAD
Thursday, December 4, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
I couldn't help but look
Astro Compatibility
When two Taureans come together in a love affair, it's a very sensuous and stable relationship -- which pleases both of them to no end. Those are two of the things a Taurus prizes most in a relationship (along with fidelity, sharing good food and other creature comforts ...) When two people both of this Sign get together, it can be the love connection of a lifetime. They will spoil one another to both their hearts' content: Taurus can respect their sweetheart's desire for life's little luxuries, because they have that need themselves. Both partners are charming, graceful and dignified. They can be quite stubborn and opinionated, not to mention jealous and possessive. All Tauruses have to learn to agree to disagree, and especially two Tauruses together; they need to recognize that their relationship is too good to jeopardize with minor arguments.
Taureans are blessed with strong willpower and commitment. They love the wooing process of courting, so the beginning, building stages of their relationship may stretch out deliciously. Taureans rarely rush into a relationship, but once they're committed, it's solid -- maybe even for life. When two Taureans get together, both provide and expect total devotion. Because of this devotion, a Taurus-Taurus pair may be more possessive of each other than most. Nothing upsets these lovers more than infidelity, but -- luckily -- because both partners are so dedicated to each other and the relationship and because Taureans tend to be very reliable, cheating is rare.
Taurus is ruled by the Planet Venus. When two people with Venus energy come together, it can be love at first sight. Both partners are highly romantic and loving, and they never tire of physical contact and touching. They are the great stamina Signs of the Zodiac; they love to go all day and all night and all the next day … They are highly sensual and both enjoy pampering. Emotional security is very important to them, but when this is guaranteed these partners can be as decadent and indulgent as they please. They can tend to be lazy, becoming overly relaxed in the moment, but generally they work very hard to maintain the lifestyle of luxury that they prefer.
Taurus is an Earth Sign. These two most likely love to garden (they share a mutual love of beauty). Earth Signs are also about possessions, and two Taurus partners usually surround themselves with beautiful things -- a lovely home, artwork, luxurious fabrics, expensive cars. They also share a love of rich, fine foods -- a regular fitness routine might not be a bad idea for these two to help them keep off those extra pounds!
Taurus is a Fixed Sign. In a Taurus-Taurus combination, both partners persevere when working toward their goals -- and both stand by their opinions as if it's a matter of life or death. They generally shy away from change, preferring life to be stable, steady and predictable. Once these two make up their minds that the relationship is a good one, they will devote themselves to each other. But if they have differing ideas, they may find themselves in a never-ending battle of wills. If they understand they're working together toward a common goal, then anything will be possible for this pair.
What's the best aspect of the Taurus-Taurus relationship? Their incredible loyalty to each other and their dedication to continuing the romance -- no matter how long-term the relationship is. Their mutual love of romance and comfort makes theirs a highly devoted and long-lasting relationship.
By Astrology.com
When two Taureans come together in a love affair, it's a very sensuous and stable relationship -- which pleases both of them to no end. Those are two of the things a Taurus prizes most in a relationship (along with fidelity, sharing good food and other creature comforts ...) When two people both of this Sign get together, it can be the love connection of a lifetime. They will spoil one another to both their hearts' content: Taurus can respect their sweetheart's desire for life's little luxuries, because they have that need themselves. Both partners are charming, graceful and dignified. They can be quite stubborn and opinionated, not to mention jealous and possessive. All Tauruses have to learn to agree to disagree, and especially two Tauruses together; they need to recognize that their relationship is too good to jeopardize with minor arguments.
Taureans are blessed with strong willpower and commitment. They love the wooing process of courting, so the beginning, building stages of their relationship may stretch out deliciously. Taureans rarely rush into a relationship, but once they're committed, it's solid -- maybe even for life. When two Taureans get together, both provide and expect total devotion. Because of this devotion, a Taurus-Taurus pair may be more possessive of each other than most. Nothing upsets these lovers more than infidelity, but -- luckily -- because both partners are so dedicated to each other and the relationship and because Taureans tend to be very reliable, cheating is rare.
Taurus is ruled by the Planet Venus. When two people with Venus energy come together, it can be love at first sight. Both partners are highly romantic and loving, and they never tire of physical contact and touching. They are the great stamina Signs of the Zodiac; they love to go all day and all night and all the next day … They are highly sensual and both enjoy pampering. Emotional security is very important to them, but when this is guaranteed these partners can be as decadent and indulgent as they please. They can tend to be lazy, becoming overly relaxed in the moment, but generally they work very hard to maintain the lifestyle of luxury that they prefer.
Taurus is an Earth Sign. These two most likely love to garden (they share a mutual love of beauty). Earth Signs are also about possessions, and two Taurus partners usually surround themselves with beautiful things -- a lovely home, artwork, luxurious fabrics, expensive cars. They also share a love of rich, fine foods -- a regular fitness routine might not be a bad idea for these two to help them keep off those extra pounds!
Taurus is a Fixed Sign. In a Taurus-Taurus combination, both partners persevere when working toward their goals -- and both stand by their opinions as if it's a matter of life or death. They generally shy away from change, preferring life to be stable, steady and predictable. Once these two make up their minds that the relationship is a good one, they will devote themselves to each other. But if they have differing ideas, they may find themselves in a never-ending battle of wills. If they understand they're working together toward a common goal, then anything will be possible for this pair.
What's the best aspect of the Taurus-Taurus relationship? Their incredible loyalty to each other and their dedication to continuing the romance -- no matter how long-term the relationship is. Their mutual love of romance and comfort makes theirs a highly devoted and long-lasting relationship.
By Astrology.com
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Wake me up when the nightmeres take me in
Last night I had a dream about Mouse. I don't remember much of the dream, only that he was dressed in a white plain tee, beige pants, skater shoes like he always wore... his hair was the length of mine and he must have had someone straighten it like he would make me do sometimes. (his hair is naturally wavy.) I can't remember if he was wearing his shades or not. I see images with him wearing them, but that's only because that's all he ever did in reality. In the dream we talked. I'm not sure what about. All I know is that when I woke up I felt surprised. He was older in my dream, like he would have been now. I wonder if that was really him.......like he could be alive in dreams and he truly did come and see me. If that makes any sense.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Eyes can't look at you any other way
You know those questions you see in bulletins, or livejournals. The ones that are all about you. People usually do them out of boredom, but I remember always doing them in Jr. High, the whole time trying to figure myself out. I could literally show you my old journals filled with them. I'd always have an answer though, so I'd say that was a good thing. I knew myself, I just needed to see it. I know that I put myself down for what I'm not, or I'm ashamed to see who I am, but beneath all the clothes I'd say I'm a good hearted person who is strong but modest. Lately I've been finding myself all over again. I'm remembering the things I used to love before I let the world crumble it. I'm feeling the energy I used to carry. I know who I am, I just need to see it.
Sunday, November 9, 2008
Anna Molly
I feel like we're in two different worlds sometimes. He has so much going on that I hear about at the end of the night. Sometimes I don't, unless I ask. Not that I'm complaining. I love the fact that he welcomes me in, but I wish that I was more apart of it. I wish he wondered what was going on in my world. Not that it could compare to his. I'm not exactly making huge decisions like he is, but we all need some attention every now and then. I guess I'm aching for his... and I think in a way it's getting on his nerves. Not that he's told me that though. I don't know blogger, I sometimes feel empty by the end of the night because I need his fuel. He gets me goin, ya know? He is a reason to wake up in the morning, but then the pile of my insecurities apear and I don't feel good enough.
"A cloud hangs over and mutes my happiness, A thousand ships couldn't sail me back from distress, (distress)Wish you were here, I'm a wounded satellite, I need you now, put me back together, make me right"
EDIT.
We got off the phone and my eyes could not stop crying. Even now, I still feel like such an idiot. This is all my fault, I know...
"She's still in there but she's captive. Are you willing to go in there and find her?"
I know he's trying, I know he's pulling. I'm here and I feel it. God, please heal my wounds. I know he won't hurt me. I can trust him. I can love him and he'll love me back. He wants to hold me. God, please help me let go. Please let me come out.
"A cloud hangs over and mutes my happiness, A thousand ships couldn't sail me back from distress, (distress)Wish you were here, I'm a wounded satellite, I need you now, put me back together, make me right"
EDIT.
We got off the phone and my eyes could not stop crying. Even now, I still feel like such an idiot. This is all my fault, I know...
"She's still in there but she's captive. Are you willing to go in there and find her?"
I know he's trying, I know he's pulling. I'm here and I feel it. God, please heal my wounds. I know he won't hurt me. I can trust him. I can love him and he'll love me back. He wants to hold me. God, please help me let go. Please let me come out.
Stress
Yesterday was matt's birthday party that I couldn't be at. With that already bumming me out work was just not helping whatsoever. My back totally gave out on me. I was in so much pain but I dealt with it. Although, it already put me in a bad mood, when the night shift came and the other people worked, my head wanted to explode! This guy, who can't stand in the first place, was totally puporsely rude to me and all I wanted to do in that moment was sock the old man in the face. Man, I know I would never do that but the thought is pleasing. Then the dude who claims to always be "sick" was pissed off all night because he had to come in. We were super busy though and that fool didn't even look that bad! Anyway. I let Matt open his gift before I left.
I sure hope he had a good day at least.
Friday, November 7, 2008
Random but thoughtful
I was looking through photos on flickR, out of boredom of course and avoiding homework, and found this woman's home. She took pictures of each of her room but this is the one that mostly stood out to me. And it's not the blueish-green couch or the animal's skin. It's the huge painting covering the back wall. I really want something like that in my home. Maybe one room could have have that and then another could have a wall of clouds, stars even. It gives me a feeling of peace and I'm looking forward to it.
I also found this awhile back. I had saved it for the obvious reason-it's beautiful, but the more I look at it the more I want this to be my backyard. Isn't it breathtaking? Anything I would be doing out there I'd feel inspired. It's never endless.
I'm definitely putting off my math homework. That class is the only class I worry about. I feel like a Goddess in English, but it's also a very low class.
I've realized (with some help, chris:)) how unorganized I truly am. My whole life is just that and it's getting old. Sometimes you just have to put a name to things. You have to set things in boxes. But there's some boxes that can be thrown away. I'm used to storing, saving, creating, and most of all never forgetting. But then I'm not left wondering, seeking, finding.... Hm, this sounds like a new plan. Lets hope I follow through with it.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
What I have so far
The weather decided to stay a certain way for once. It’s becoming November and the clouds are finally being seen again. And although the new day could be awakening my eyes are awfully tired and my mind is blank. It’s not helpful to hear my brother and his friend running around the backyard, like army men battling for their lives in Iraq, yelling “Aim, fire!” “Man down,” and shooting their nerf guns. It is loud and noisy and it is hard to even concentrate on a single note from a song. Distractions can be a deadly thing, but the day will turn to night at any minute so I better take advantage of what I have too.
There’s something about today that is making life more than just a word. Maybe because decisions are being made and the conversations about our future are becoming aware to a new audience, such as myself. We are older now and before we know it we won’t be writing about the future but be speaking of the past. Which leads me to think to myself, am I putting my heart into everything I do?
We all need that drive that makes our blood run and sets our heart at peace. Everything else falls into place once we find out what that is. It helps our world make sense because our priorities obtain to the things we love. Nothing is a blur anymore and the day has meaning. It has meaning because you’re in it and you’re giving your all.
We trail off sleeping while our hearts are still dreaming. Do we forget our hearts desire once we’re woken? I believe we do forget what matters to us most and every single day we have the choice to deny it. We push it to the side until we think we’re ready for it, or we lose the hope in accomplishing it at all. I know it’s impossible to do what you love if there’s no fire inside. But if there is a fire, you’re the only one who can release it, or put it out. No rain and no helping hand; you alone must run with it and let the flame exceed.
I know that I am here to write and give uncontrollable love through it. I feel my passion burning inside me, but as I’ve said, I am the only one who can release it. Most of the time we hide our talent, like women hide their beauty. The truth is, I am not intimidated about writing. I’m intimidated about my viewers. I am afraid of being ignored. Though, when you think about the women from the nineteenth and twentieth century they were banished and always ignored. Now they are finally getting their recognition that they didn’t receive in their time. Did they ever give up though? Did Joan of arc say, “never mind.” No, she said, “It was for this that I was born!” Even with having no response they did what they felt passionate towards. It was no longer someone directing them but their hearts leading the way.
There’s something about today that is making life more than just a word. Maybe because decisions are being made and the conversations about our future are becoming aware to a new audience, such as myself. We are older now and before we know it we won’t be writing about the future but be speaking of the past. Which leads me to think to myself, am I putting my heart into everything I do?
We all need that drive that makes our blood run and sets our heart at peace. Everything else falls into place once we find out what that is. It helps our world make sense because our priorities obtain to the things we love. Nothing is a blur anymore and the day has meaning. It has meaning because you’re in it and you’re giving your all.
We trail off sleeping while our hearts are still dreaming. Do we forget our hearts desire once we’re woken? I believe we do forget what matters to us most and every single day we have the choice to deny it. We push it to the side until we think we’re ready for it, or we lose the hope in accomplishing it at all. I know it’s impossible to do what you love if there’s no fire inside. But if there is a fire, you’re the only one who can release it, or put it out. No rain and no helping hand; you alone must run with it and let the flame exceed.
I know that I am here to write and give uncontrollable love through it. I feel my passion burning inside me, but as I’ve said, I am the only one who can release it. Most of the time we hide our talent, like women hide their beauty. The truth is, I am not intimidated about writing. I’m intimidated about my viewers. I am afraid of being ignored. Though, when you think about the women from the nineteenth and twentieth century they were banished and always ignored. Now they are finally getting their recognition that they didn’t receive in their time. Did they ever give up though? Did Joan of arc say, “never mind.” No, she said, “It was for this that I was born!” Even with having no response they did what they felt passionate towards. It was no longer someone directing them but their hearts leading the way.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Lens
Your face fell from the sky and pulled apart into pieces I could barely recognize. The wind took you away from me again and no longer could the stars add up to how much I missed you.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Lose me
I hate saying good-bye. I immediately get upset when I know the time is near. It didn't help that his night was not what he wanted and small comments that were made didn't lift the tension. Even recently, where our days have been making up for what's been trying to be taken away. But I know this. We are molded too good to collapse. I'm not really sure if anyone takes our relationship as serious as we do. Maybe they see us moving too fast. I know many people aren't ready for that when they enter a relationship so they can't see how, or why, we would be so close. Honestly blogger, it's because I feel so connected to him. When he's not around I feel so alone. Like today in math class, my teacher made me switch to another group. (not sure why) It was so awkward sitting there while they're three steps ahead, impatiently waiting for me to catch up. I felt like I was back at Urban Outfitters and my card got declined. Ah I could hear her tapping my card against the desk, again. I felt embarrassed and unwanted. The whole time I wished he could be there so that I could feel his peace and comfort, telling me it's okay, I'll get it. It's almost crazy how well our minds can read each other but I am happy with him. I truly am. I've never felt so alive, but when I don't hear from him, or get the chance to see him…. I've never felt so dead. I hate saying good-bye.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Just let me run where I want to run
You faded in the picture that you still try to look at. Her face has vanished because now she smiles. You rely on paint to fix your damage but her color wasn't yellow, it was black and blue. Don't make a move thinking you'll get your way this time. The clock kept on ticking to where you don't belong. She ran to open arms. She ran to freedom. She found a home in a place she never knew. You couldn't bring her that sense of direction. No. You couldn't even bring her you.
I'm happy, I'm in love with the greatest guy in the world.
I'm happy, I'm in love with the greatest guy in the world.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Flightless bird
I love when songs find you and you fall in love with it. It makes everything bad in your life turn to good. It helps you remember the beauty of things and why we are here. And why we do the things we do. Why we love the way we love.
Don't forget me
I feel very unsure with where anything is going. Although my days have been a big routine of school, work, and hanging out things still seem very shaken. Anything can happen at any moment. I'm so unsteady and yet so at peace. I'm not sure how to describe this feeling. I feel very sure and unsure about things. I feel very safe and unsafe about things. I'm learning something new every day and I'm finding myself along the way.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Like a giraffe, you have to climb to find its head
Make with what you have
take the good and bad
don't be forgetful
Take what you have
and hold it towards the sky
don't be resentful
The world keeps on spinning......
There's always a reason to hang on
just like any cut on your arm
bandage it up and it will not heal
but give it time, let it feel
Because you gotta make with what you have
take the good and remember the bad
watch your steps and look ahead
and soon you will see the giraffe's head
take the good and bad
don't be forgetful
Take what you have
and hold it towards the sky
don't be resentful
The world keeps on spinning......
There's always a reason to hang on
just like any cut on your arm
bandage it up and it will not heal
but give it time, let it feel
Because you gotta make with what you have
take the good and remember the bad
watch your steps and look ahead
and soon you will see the giraffe's head
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
You're special
He says don't worry I've got this
But I’m having bad feelings
And if this starts to get out of hand
The doubts will start kicking in
I know it's not what you had in mind
To look out and leave the world behind
Or to hold my hand to lead the way
And get out of this heaving parade
But since the stars can go back in time
Would you hit rewind?
It's too late for me and I don't want that choice
I'm all shined out next to your voice
And I'd rather have it that way
Than no way at all
Because even though I'm standing still
You're the one that made me fall
But I’m having bad feelings
And if this starts to get out of hand
The doubts will start kicking in
I know it's not what you had in mind
To look out and leave the world behind
Or to hold my hand to lead the way
And get out of this heaving parade
But since the stars can go back in time
Would you hit rewind?
It's too late for me and I don't want that choice
I'm all shined out next to your voice
And I'd rather have it that way
Than no way at all
Because even though I'm standing still
You're the one that made me fall
Monday, October 6, 2008
Hmmm
There are many reasons emotions spin the way they do. Certain words, situations, things that happen through out the day....
They get you to the end of the night.
And they help you understand.
And it makes you see things you didn't see before.
They get you to the end of the night.
And they help you understand.
And it makes you see things you didn't see before.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Are you in,or are you out?
Your overwhelming and upsetting mood has shifted its way onto me.
Why am I always left feeling lost? Maybe because you're there. And when I want you here. No... when I need you here, you can't be. The snap of a finger hasn't seemed to be working as I used to believe it would.
I want to understand you. I want to know what to say to you when you feel this way. I want you to feel that you are not alone through this. That your feelings affect my feelings.
Why does it feel as if you've changed your mind? Maybe you don't want to share anymore.
"But i gotta know, that if things go wrong, you'll still be around."
Any given mood.... don't leave me out the door. Please invite me in.
Why am I always left feeling lost? Maybe because you're there. And when I want you here. No... when I need you here, you can't be. The snap of a finger hasn't seemed to be working as I used to believe it would.
I want to understand you. I want to know what to say to you when you feel this way. I want you to feel that you are not alone through this. That your feelings affect my feelings.
Why does it feel as if you've changed your mind? Maybe you don't want to share anymore.
"But i gotta know, that if things go wrong, you'll still be around."
Any given mood.... don't leave me out the door. Please invite me in.
Writing on the wall
You may think you're doing everything wrong, but you're doing everything right with me. So please take me out of that box. You're beautiful and amazing to me and I feel that way with you. Please keep sharing what's on your mind. Please keep giving your heart.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
A place I never knew
I wrote as soon as he left. I crawled under my covers, pushed my glasses closer to my eyes, and grabbed the nearest pen and notebook. All day I wanted to write a new story, but as I begin to jot down the thoughts in my head all I could write about was love and it's new affect on me.
I started my story about him. I always wanted to do that. Have a man come into my life and write about our relationship. I'm not sure why exactly. Maybe to see its beauty on paper, so that I could re-live it over and over, but no man has ever reached that level with me before. I never truly sat down and wrote about them. I wrote about what was wrong with the picture and what needed to be painted over, or if the canvas had gone to waste. But with you it's different. I write about the truth and the connection we have.
Another story I want to write about is a whole new world. Something I can live through my writing. Something beyound the stars and beyound our percepetion of Earth. But when I think about it... all I still see is you. You're my whole new world.
I started my story about him. I always wanted to do that. Have a man come into my life and write about our relationship. I'm not sure why exactly. Maybe to see its beauty on paper, so that I could re-live it over and over, but no man has ever reached that level with me before. I never truly sat down and wrote about them. I wrote about what was wrong with the picture and what needed to be painted over, or if the canvas had gone to waste. But with you it's different. I write about the truth and the connection we have.
Another story I want to write about is a whole new world. Something I can live through my writing. Something beyound the stars and beyound our percepetion of Earth. But when I think about it... all I still see is you. You're my whole new world.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
you + me = 12
Love is kinda like math. You, plus another person, equals the unexpected. Some answers are negative and you try to add your way to be positive again, but the problem is already solved. Some answers amount to fractions, with a flashing line of confusion that equals no solid number. But what if you end up with a whole real number. How do you know when it is complete? In other words, how do you know when your love is real? Is it just like math? Is there always an answer, or are you always questioning and hoping to find that there is and it's not negative, or a fraction, or no solution.
I believe the answer is there in your heart. It doesn't matter if it's too soon, or too late. Just know that it's there and it's waiting for your answer, not math's answer. We can't follow logic when it comes to our heart. And we can't always search for there to be a problem that we can solve. Love isn't that complicated. We just make it out to be. We can search for what we want, what we desire, who our hearts are aiming for. And suddenly love won't be like a math problem anymore. So take a leap of faith and do what you feel.
I believe the answer is there in your heart. It doesn't matter if it's too soon, or too late. Just know that it's there and it's waiting for your answer, not math's answer. We can't follow logic when it comes to our heart. And we can't always search for there to be a problem that we can solve. Love isn't that complicated. We just make it out to be. We can search for what we want, what we desire, who our hearts are aiming for. And suddenly love won't be like a math problem anymore. So take a leap of faith and do what you feel.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I exist as I am, that is enough.
I feel so inspired today. I want to capture every moment with my pen and camera. And live through these words and songs. I'm living through my dreams and every thing is coming true. My spirit is dancing. Would you dance with me?
Sharing is caring
This is just random stuff i've written. There is no order.
It was a sunny, clouded day. You could smell the roses form to open, and the growing of more to come. The grass swayed back and fourth with the wind, while the birds played a tune for our ears. If there was any way to describe beauty I’d pick this day.
The breeze caught my skirt, that fell upon my knees. It gave me goose bumps as a natural reaction, but even more goose bumps appeared when he reached to touch my hand. My face caught by surprise, smiled effortlessly, as I thought to myself please don’t let this end. Our fingers clasped together like the pieces to the puzzle we’ve been missing. The last two pieces that were overlooked and pushed to the side. They finally caught our attention and grabbed our desires so close. He was the fit, and to melt even my own heart, he was my fit.
We walked steadily, side by side, with no space apart, towards the highest hill. Before that, we went through the tallest, thickest trees that looked like shadows from afar. We almost tripped over the branches that stuck out and the roots that were never cut. We came out of that forest. We breathed through the air together, but not harder or softer than one another, while having the feeling of refreshment fill our lungs like we were in the clouds. I imagined our bare feet stepping on the visible collection of water in the air, without falling through. Nothing would happen to us because we knew that God’s Will is always going to keep us rising.
At a moment, our fingers unfolded, our palms moved away, and we no longer were facing the world against us, but facing our destination. A destiny that could only be accomplished with space between him and I, so that we could walk on two feet instead of one. The fear that sunk and grasped my heart begin to burn. It made my eyes turn to stop looking straight ahead but to look at him. He looked so peaceful, quiet and at ease. He looked like if I snapped my fingers in front of his face his eyes wouldn’t blink. It’s because he was focused on the straight away path which made me notice we couldn’t see the end because of the fog that surrounded that area of the clouds. My eyes focused on all around us now. Where we stood was so white and clear, as was what we wore that I hadn’t remembered.
I didn’t realize until I looked up, he was no longer standing beside me, he was walking forward on the clouds, without a look back. As I watched, my eyes filled like the water our bodies were pressuring on. He faded into the fog before I even moved a step. Does this mean that it has ended? I thought, thinking I had the answer, only to find myself asking this question to God. I stood there waiting and expecting, thinking if I moved it would be too late… the question would never be answered. Before the time could pass any further, before the sky would turn to midnight blue, I had to move along. The more steps I took I could feel the weight that covered my darkened red heart start to climb. As the darkness lifted, the color of bright red was left. The weight was removing, the bright red was covering, and I couldn’t feel the fear anymore. In fact, I was more confident than before, when him and I walked as each other’s steps. There was no worry of him anymore lingering my mind and aching my heart. There was no worry because I was proud.
Our job no longer was making sure our heads were up and wondering if we moved at least an inch. My job wasn’t pulling his arm, telling him where to go, but to help him with direction. His job wasn’t suppose to keep me near by so that we wouldn’t be alone, but to walk near the same pace. We were to fulfill the glory of love that God has destined in each of us. The only right direction, was walking God’s steps, and it happened when we let each other go; when we allowed God to be in control.
The fog disappeared and the night never came. It was still just as sunny as I had seen, what felt like, hours ago. I ended up at the top of the hill, gazing through the empty skies. Then a warm hand slipped through my fingers, and I didn’t have to look to know who it was. I felt my face, that was tightened from the tears, brighten as it was before. God had answered me with proof instead of words. And then I looked and he was smiling just as big, placing his hand behind my back. We sat, letting our legs dangle over the hill, knowing our prayers were answered.
It was a sunny, clouded day. You could smell the roses form to open, and the growing of more to come. The grass swayed back and fourth with the wind, while the birds played a tune for our ears. If there was any way to describe beauty I’d pick this day.
The breeze caught my skirt, that fell upon my knees. It gave me goose bumps as a natural reaction, but even more goose bumps appeared when he reached to touch my hand. My face caught by surprise, smiled effortlessly, as I thought to myself please don’t let this end. Our fingers clasped together like the pieces to the puzzle we’ve been missing. The last two pieces that were overlooked and pushed to the side. They finally caught our attention and grabbed our desires so close. He was the fit, and to melt even my own heart, he was my fit.
We walked steadily, side by side, with no space apart, towards the highest hill. Before that, we went through the tallest, thickest trees that looked like shadows from afar. We almost tripped over the branches that stuck out and the roots that were never cut. We came out of that forest. We breathed through the air together, but not harder or softer than one another, while having the feeling of refreshment fill our lungs like we were in the clouds. I imagined our bare feet stepping on the visible collection of water in the air, without falling through. Nothing would happen to us because we knew that God’s Will is always going to keep us rising.
At a moment, our fingers unfolded, our palms moved away, and we no longer were facing the world against us, but facing our destination. A destiny that could only be accomplished with space between him and I, so that we could walk on two feet instead of one. The fear that sunk and grasped my heart begin to burn. It made my eyes turn to stop looking straight ahead but to look at him. He looked so peaceful, quiet and at ease. He looked like if I snapped my fingers in front of his face his eyes wouldn’t blink. It’s because he was focused on the straight away path which made me notice we couldn’t see the end because of the fog that surrounded that area of the clouds. My eyes focused on all around us now. Where we stood was so white and clear, as was what we wore that I hadn’t remembered.
I didn’t realize until I looked up, he was no longer standing beside me, he was walking forward on the clouds, without a look back. As I watched, my eyes filled like the water our bodies were pressuring on. He faded into the fog before I even moved a step. Does this mean that it has ended? I thought, thinking I had the answer, only to find myself asking this question to God. I stood there waiting and expecting, thinking if I moved it would be too late… the question would never be answered. Before the time could pass any further, before the sky would turn to midnight blue, I had to move along. The more steps I took I could feel the weight that covered my darkened red heart start to climb. As the darkness lifted, the color of bright red was left. The weight was removing, the bright red was covering, and I couldn’t feel the fear anymore. In fact, I was more confident than before, when him and I walked as each other’s steps. There was no worry of him anymore lingering my mind and aching my heart. There was no worry because I was proud.
Our job no longer was making sure our heads were up and wondering if we moved at least an inch. My job wasn’t pulling his arm, telling him where to go, but to help him with direction. His job wasn’t suppose to keep me near by so that we wouldn’t be alone, but to walk near the same pace. We were to fulfill the glory of love that God has destined in each of us. The only right direction, was walking God’s steps, and it happened when we let each other go; when we allowed God to be in control.
The fog disappeared and the night never came. It was still just as sunny as I had seen, what felt like, hours ago. I ended up at the top of the hill, gazing through the empty skies. Then a warm hand slipped through my fingers, and I didn’t have to look to know who it was. I felt my face, that was tightened from the tears, brighten as it was before. God had answered me with proof instead of words. And then I looked and he was smiling just as big, placing his hand behind my back. We sat, letting our legs dangle over the hill, knowing our prayers were answered.
Is it that feelings simply live and die?
Does each heart change within a lie?
Stay or let go is what I must decide
Even though my feelings are higher than my pride.
Every other day we seem to fight
As I stay up crying throughout the night
Because your feelings are never shown
The same way your words are only thrown.
Do not tell me things will work out someday
The waiting game is something I don’t want to play
I want something solid, something real and true
But if it doesn’t work out it was because of you.
Be true to your heart was what I was told
But I never knew love could be so cold.
Does each heart change within a lie?
Stay or let go is what I must decide
Even though my feelings are higher than my pride.
Every other day we seem to fight
As I stay up crying throughout the night
Because your feelings are never shown
The same way your words are only thrown.
Do not tell me things will work out someday
The waiting game is something I don’t want to play
I want something solid, something real and true
But if it doesn’t work out it was because of you.
Be true to your heart was what I was told
But I never knew love could be so cold.
My heart feels like a tied in a wave
Beaten and bruised from what we’ve made
I didn’t expect us to turn out to be
Another box of memories
The hope in me can’t exist for long
While God is pulling me to stay strong
But through the stillness and confusion
I won’t put up a fight
I will lift up my hands
And let go of what doesn’t feel right
MARK MY WORDS
I’ll look through the eyes of faith!
The Lord is close to my broken heartand saves those who are crushed in spirit
I will not fall apart
I will not fall apart
My destiny is never tied to anyone who left
Just like the waves set like the sun
The breeze retraces, the tied is done
God becomes my ship
And I’m sailing amongst the shore
I am a new creation
I won’t be let down anymore
MARK HIS WORDS
The battle is over
I AM FREE
Beaten and bruised from what we’ve made
I didn’t expect us to turn out to be
Another box of memories
The hope in me can’t exist for long
While God is pulling me to stay strong
But through the stillness and confusion
I won’t put up a fight
I will lift up my hands
And let go of what doesn’t feel right
MARK MY WORDS
I’ll look through the eyes of faith!
The Lord is close to my broken heartand saves those who are crushed in spirit
I will not fall apart
I will not fall apart
My destiny is never tied to anyone who left
Just like the waves set like the sun
The breeze retraces, the tied is done
God becomes my ship
And I’m sailing amongst the shore
I am a new creation
I won’t be let down anymore
MARK HIS WORDS
The battle is over
I AM FREE
Monday, September 22, 2008
Communication is as easy as the ocean
There are so many right times, with the right words, but no one is a mind reader.
My biggest problem in life: I can't communicate. Sure, I have my moments when I wear my heart on my sleeve and my thoughts are loud and clear, but for the most part I'm unsure. I'm too unsure to let someone see me, hear me, feel me. And I don't mean my body; my heart is much harder to get into.
I see you though, Chris, and I hear you and feel you. All it does is make me fall for you more and more and shows me we could be perfect together if I'd just let you in. It's not that I don't want you. I would give anything to share with you. My heart aches and seeks for you, but it is also gripping on tight with uncertainty. Laying there beside you, with all the words in my head to say, but with a mute mouth that led to watery eyes. The T.V. said "I'm sorry" for me.
I'm not that great at showing affection, but I sure know how to express it. Give me a pen and paper and I'll show you my love. Though actions speak louder than words and I need to be more louder.
So, I'm sorry I'm a coward. I'm sorry I hold back. But then as we said good night I heard the right words in my head. And I hope you heard them too.
"So come over, just be patient, and don't worry."
My biggest problem in life: I can't communicate. Sure, I have my moments when I wear my heart on my sleeve and my thoughts are loud and clear, but for the most part I'm unsure. I'm too unsure to let someone see me, hear me, feel me. And I don't mean my body; my heart is much harder to get into.
I see you though, Chris, and I hear you and feel you. All it does is make me fall for you more and more and shows me we could be perfect together if I'd just let you in. It's not that I don't want you. I would give anything to share with you. My heart aches and seeks for you, but it is also gripping on tight with uncertainty. Laying there beside you, with all the words in my head to say, but with a mute mouth that led to watery eyes. The T.V. said "I'm sorry" for me.
I'm not that great at showing affection, but I sure know how to express it. Give me a pen and paper and I'll show you my love. Though actions speak louder than words and I need to be more louder.
So, I'm sorry I'm a coward. I'm sorry I hold back. But then as we said good night I heard the right words in my head. And I hope you heard them too.
"So come over, just be patient, and don't worry."
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Dear friend,
My dear, dear friend.
"You've sacrificed so much of your life in order for this to work."
You said it yourself. You fall for the guys who have baggage and without catching yourself, or noticing at all, you are the one who is left carrying the weight. I can feel your heart throbbing as you talk about it and I can see how effortlessly it is for you to write about. You carried it and sad to say, you still are. I've seen so many doors open for your way out, but it seems as though your feet are stuck to the floor. And it closes again and again. But the stories go on, repeating, grieving, and you're left wondering about the happiness you somewhat knew. Wondering about the boy who stole your heart in the first place.
"You've sacrificed so much of your life in order for this to work."
You said it yourself. You fall for the guys who have baggage and without catching yourself, or noticing at all, you are the one who is left carrying the weight. I can feel your heart throbbing as you talk about it and I can see how effortlessly it is for you to write about. You carried it and sad to say, you still are. I've seen so many doors open for your way out, but it seems as though your feet are stuck to the floor. And it closes again and again. But the stories go on, repeating, grieving, and you're left wondering about the happiness you somewhat knew. Wondering about the boy who stole your heart in the first place.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Remember...
"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." - Carrie (Sex and the city)
I rearrange the furniture as you sleep
I have nothing valuable to say. I work tonight and I'm letting my manager Liz borrow my One Tree Hill season 1 dvd. She's going to be exposed to amazement! I got the chance to chat with Camille over aim. That was nice. I miss her tremendously. (Yes, that much.) I want to destroy my room. I want to get paid. I want to be his girlfriend already.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Chris,
I've never been one to share my feelings out loud. I'm almost too good at hiding that I have to leave my spots to be seen. But if I let you... I mean really let you, inside there's something real to be found. You don't see me often and sometimes you won't hear my voice, but the whole time my mind is fumbling with words just for you. We got to share today and this meant I got to really look at you. Your eyes matched your smile and I couldn't remember how, or why you would be here sitting with me. But you were. And you treated me with soft kisses and hand massages. Still, I hid behind my eyelids and kept away from extended kisses, leaving my heart untouched. When the drive home came, my thoughts caught up to themselves when a song played and I saw your face. The song was sad and spoke words that I use to feel. It reminded me about all the drives home I'd spend crying, trying to hide from any other car to see through my window. But somehow... you ended up inside, ready to take on the next roads to come. You read my walls today and most of it carried "struggle" and loss memories. But hearing this song tonight had me realize I'm not that girl anymore. I'm not the girl that needs to hide. My walls are ready to be painted and I'm happy to know you're going to be there to paint them with me, as a friend, or as a lover. Either way, I've come to find you are the good thing in a world gone bad.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Life in the fast lane
I used to be so good at these journals. I would write every day, sometimes even twice. I'm not sure what's happened over the years, but my mind feels blanker by the minute. I feel like I've been all over the place lately. I'm missing my life. I've worked this whole weekend and haven't had the time to spend with my family, or see my friends, or even the boy I miss dearly (even though it's only been 2 days.) I really just want to slow down... with everything.
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Good to be
Is this really happening?
My inner voice is yelling at me. My brain is questioning every move he makes. My heart is telling me to run with it. I'm at a loss of words once my head hits my pillow.
I don't feel alive anymore. Because everything's felt like a dream since I've met him.
Part of me feels like I can walk on clouds. I can race a cheetah. Because he makes me feel beautiful, powerful, and "more." But then the other part of me is scared, worried, and "less."
I almost want to give up my hunt and say he's my prize, he's my gold, but what if I wake up?
"Do what you feel," he says... and what I feel is as unexpected, or hasty as this is, I don't want to see a day without him in it.
My inner voice is yelling at me. My brain is questioning every move he makes. My heart is telling me to run with it. I'm at a loss of words once my head hits my pillow.
I don't feel alive anymore. Because everything's felt like a dream since I've met him.
Part of me feels like I can walk on clouds. I can race a cheetah. Because he makes me feel beautiful, powerful, and "more." But then the other part of me is scared, worried, and "less."
I almost want to give up my hunt and say he's my prize, he's my gold, but what if I wake up?
"Do what you feel," he says... and what I feel is as unexpected, or hasty as this is, I don't want to see a day without him in it.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Monday, September 8, 2008
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Love too many
I am really not satisfied with my dream last night. I hate how it becomes my mood. And no, it wasn't about any delicious pizza but I would rather take that then be shown how much love can't leave my mind, or my dreams. Then again, my head was in the clouds last night. The clouds of wishing and hoping for the impossible. Making up a love that'll never happen. But the last thing I want to be is bitter.
There were words in my dream and I couldn't understand them. They were written in a font you couldn't read. I guess some pages need to be unwritten. You have to let yourself be out of control and "let the night write your script." There's always meaning behind every word. And there's always that feeling of being complete.
What is that feeling? My best friend spoke of it last night. She had a dream about an ex-boyfriend, whom she still loves. She said, "I was in his arms again and I finally felt complete." I don't think I've ever experienced that feeling. I've loved before, but maybe not in that way. Maybe not enough. I'm unsure but what I am sure of is you have to give what your heart deserves, what your heart aches for.
Writing is my outlet, but my voice needs to say what I hold in, to the one person I can't get off my mind. Who is this person? I wish God would tell me. But the signs I see are unreadable. Yeah. He's unreadable.
There were words in my dream and I couldn't understand them. They were written in a font you couldn't read. I guess some pages need to be unwritten. You have to let yourself be out of control and "let the night write your script." There's always meaning behind every word. And there's always that feeling of being complete.
What is that feeling? My best friend spoke of it last night. She had a dream about an ex-boyfriend, whom she still loves. She said, "I was in his arms again and I finally felt complete." I don't think I've ever experienced that feeling. I've loved before, but maybe not in that way. Maybe not enough. I'm unsure but what I am sure of is you have to give what your heart deserves, what your heart aches for.
Writing is my outlet, but my voice needs to say what I hold in, to the one person I can't get off my mind. Who is this person? I wish God would tell me. But the signs I see are unreadable. Yeah. He's unreadable.
The Dream I wish to Dream
Just a couple steps and I was in his car, driving down the streets that I wanted to drive, though he was the driver and for once, I wasn't afraid of that. The lights never turned red and I took that as a sign to "Go" and to never "Stop."
We pulled up to the hill and the silence filled the car, but I'm certain he could hear my mind racing. "What's going to happen tonight?" was my overall question to myself, but I let the night write my script.
The grass was damp, so we sat on his car. He played the mix I purposely snuck in. "The night is beautiful," he said but I just looked at him. And just like a good sign, a good song came on. Coldplay's "green eyes" was now reading my heart. I couldn't help but sing along. "And I come here to talk," I pointed and sung to him, "I hope you understand." I laughed at myself, knowing how much of a fool I must look and how badly I wanted to impress him. I stretched back onto the window and let my eyes drift into the darkness. The song continued playing, "And how could, anybody, deny you?" that I whispered to myself.
Then I felt his body lean beside me and I heard his voice, "I came here with a load, And it feels so much lighter now I met you." He stared into my eyes and I didn't look away. And this was it. That moment where you know something's going to happen, without any word having to be said.
Will it happen? Will he have the courage to do it? Will she allow him to? Or will she run away? She's been down that road, and although it's a different street, it's the same situation. It's the same because it's the same promise to make. And maybe he doesn't want what she's looking for. Movies aren't reality. In most cases, the guy doesn't win the girl. And in the end, it's just echoing questions that'll never be answered.
.......................But I'm gunna let the night write my script.
We pulled up to the hill and the silence filled the car, but I'm certain he could hear my mind racing. "What's going to happen tonight?" was my overall question to myself, but I let the night write my script.
The grass was damp, so we sat on his car. He played the mix I purposely snuck in. "The night is beautiful," he said but I just looked at him. And just like a good sign, a good song came on. Coldplay's "green eyes" was now reading my heart. I couldn't help but sing along. "And I come here to talk," I pointed and sung to him, "I hope you understand." I laughed at myself, knowing how much of a fool I must look and how badly I wanted to impress him. I stretched back onto the window and let my eyes drift into the darkness. The song continued playing, "And how could, anybody, deny you?" that I whispered to myself.
Then I felt his body lean beside me and I heard his voice, "I came here with a load, And it feels so much lighter now I met you." He stared into my eyes and I didn't look away. And this was it. That moment where you know something's going to happen, without any word having to be said.
Will it happen? Will he have the courage to do it? Will she allow him to? Or will she run away? She's been down that road, and although it's a different street, it's the same situation. It's the same because it's the same promise to make. And maybe he doesn't want what she's looking for. Movies aren't reality. In most cases, the guy doesn't win the girl. And in the end, it's just echoing questions that'll never be answered.
.......................But I'm gunna let the night write my script.
Friday, September 5, 2008
videooo
This was for my friend Camille who's moving.
I'm gunna miss her.
and I suck at saying how I feel outloud.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
TRUTH:
What I'm lookin' for
Is a love that's forever
Someone who can capture my soul in a heartbeat
And stay for all time
What I'm prayin' forIs a match made in Heaven
Someone who will worship my body
And still put his heart on the line
Commitment
Someone who'll go the distance
I need somebody with staying power
Who'll make me go weak in the knees
Commitment
And everything that goes with it
I need honor and love in my life from somebody
Who's playin' for keeps
What I'm searchin' forIs a man who'll stand by me
Who will walk through the fire
And be my flame in the night
I won't settle for
Less than what I deserve
A friend and a lover who'll love me
For the rest of my life
Yeah, I've had promises broken
Three words left unspoken
They just left me achin' for more
But I've fought temptation
I won't be impatient
There's one thing that's worth waiting for
Is a love that's forever
Someone who can capture my soul in a heartbeat
And stay for all time
What I'm prayin' forIs a match made in Heaven
Someone who will worship my body
And still put his heart on the line
Commitment
Someone who'll go the distance
I need somebody with staying power
Who'll make me go weak in the knees
Commitment
And everything that goes with it
I need honor and love in my life from somebody
Who's playin' for keeps
What I'm searchin' forIs a man who'll stand by me
Who will walk through the fire
And be my flame in the night
I won't settle for
Less than what I deserve
A friend and a lover who'll love me
For the rest of my life
Yeah, I've had promises broken
Three words left unspoken
They just left me achin' for more
But I've fought temptation
I won't be impatient
There's one thing that's worth waiting for
Monday, September 1, 2008
Struggle
I don't think we truely know what that is like Jesus does, but I know all of us have gotten a glimpse of it.
"It's not that bad." But I'll still cry.
"It's not that bad." But I'll still worry.
Just because people have it way harder than we do doesn't mean my feelings are any less real.
"It's not that bad." But I'll still cry.
"It's not that bad." But I'll still worry.
Just because people have it way harder than we do doesn't mean my feelings are any less real.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Bunches & bunches
Today is August 29th. I hate the month of August. More bad than good comes out of this month for me. 10 days ago was the funeral... 3 years ago. 16 days ago was the day he passed away....3 years ago. And today. Today I am grieving. I guess for me, I let things build up before I decide to not hold on anymore and it comes out like a tidal wave.
And today. Today I am wishing. To sign onto AIM and see his sn IM me. To receive a comment on my LJ saying, "I miss you bunches." To go eat at the pizza place next to rite aide. To sit out in my front yard.. like we did every night.. and talk, play thumb war, and joke around.
And I wish I could go back in time. Re-say words. Save our conversations.... just so that I can read them now and pretend we are talking now. That you are here now.
It's been 3 whole years... and I wonder what it would have been like if you were there.
If you were here.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Note to self
You are not powerless. You will find that your life is much more stable when you can learn to surf the waves of change. That is, embrace change and make it work for you, rather than resisting it all the time.
Paper planes
Summer is practically over... thank God. I'm sick of the California heat. It puts me in bad moods and I hate when I get in my "moods." Fall classes have been really good for me so far. I'm actually enjoying myself. The first year at Valley was such a waste of time.... literally. I did horrible and did not care, therefore was a wateful year. But this year... this year is different. I want to do well. I want to move forward. I want to become a journalist. I'm gunna start setting goals for myself. That way I know the person I'm letting down is no longer my family, but myself.
I also have.. dun dun dun... a job! I work at Nickolodean pizza - resturant, whateva. It's pretty sweet. The people are chill and hilarious. It's still a bit overwhelming though. And I work on Friday.... not looking forward to that. That's their busiest night!
I don't know Blogger, but everything is going pretty well in my life and yet something still feels missing. "I slept but my heart was awake." Why can't I get LOVE out of my mind!? It's all I think about, care about, wonder about..... What are you searching for Heart? The one you thought was It has left... The one you think could be It loves someone else.... What are you searching for.
Blah De Blah Blah.
I also have.. dun dun dun... a job! I work at Nickolodean pizza - resturant, whateva. It's pretty sweet. The people are chill and hilarious. It's still a bit overwhelming though. And I work on Friday.... not looking forward to that. That's their busiest night!
I don't know Blogger, but everything is going pretty well in my life and yet something still feels missing. "I slept but my heart was awake." Why can't I get LOVE out of my mind!? It's all I think about, care about, wonder about..... What are you searching for Heart? The one you thought was It has left... The one you think could be It loves someone else.... What are you searching for.
Blah De Blah Blah.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Don't Peek
"Stasi remembers playing hide-in-seek in her house as a girl of five or six. She'd find the perfect place to crawl into, full of excited anticipation of the coming pursuit. Snuggled up in a closet she would wait for someone to find her. No one ever did; not even after she was missing for an hour. The picture became the defining image of her life. No one noticed; no one pursued. She hid - hid her desires, hid her dreams, and hid her heart. " - Wild at Heart
As I read that paragraph, I felt a tugg on my heart. It's easy to relate to, as a woman, when what we seek for is to be noticed, remembered, and/or loved. The moment that slips is the moment our world falls around us. We think to ourselves, no one wants to notice us, remember us, or love us. That image that Stasi has felt is an image we carry on our hearts for far too long. I wonder if anyone can see that image. Do they see our pain?
"She's still in there, but she's captive. Are you willing to go in after her?" Dating Michael was my longest, hardest, most vunerable relationship I've ever been in. And putting your guard down, for me, was the hardest part. Letting someone else in your thoughts and heart meant.... Hey, you can hurt me now. Please don't. I'm trusting you. And you alone. But through it all, he never came after me. He never truly came for my heart. Now, I don't hate him for it, but isn't that what we are all hoping for? Someone who will risk it all, who will be captivated by us, and will come to our rescue? Most will say "I can be my own rescue." But that is because you've been let down, and maybe it's been repeated.
I wonder if my knight will be coming anytime soon. I also wonder if he'd pass me by... as I continue to hold onto my past relationship.... is it really worth it in the end? It's time to truly let go and not hope for someone to come after my heart, but believe he will. It's living by Faith. It's allowing the burns to finally fade. There are no more scars. There is no more hiding.
As I read that paragraph, I felt a tugg on my heart. It's easy to relate to, as a woman, when what we seek for is to be noticed, remembered, and/or loved. The moment that slips is the moment our world falls around us. We think to ourselves, no one wants to notice us, remember us, or love us. That image that Stasi has felt is an image we carry on our hearts for far too long. I wonder if anyone can see that image. Do they see our pain?
"She's still in there, but she's captive. Are you willing to go in after her?" Dating Michael was my longest, hardest, most vunerable relationship I've ever been in. And putting your guard down, for me, was the hardest part. Letting someone else in your thoughts and heart meant.... Hey, you can hurt me now. Please don't. I'm trusting you. And you alone. But through it all, he never came after me. He never truly came for my heart. Now, I don't hate him for it, but isn't that what we are all hoping for? Someone who will risk it all, who will be captivated by us, and will come to our rescue? Most will say "I can be my own rescue." But that is because you've been let down, and maybe it's been repeated.
I wonder if my knight will be coming anytime soon. I also wonder if he'd pass me by... as I continue to hold onto my past relationship.... is it really worth it in the end? It's time to truly let go and not hope for someone to come after my heart, but believe he will. It's living by Faith. It's allowing the burns to finally fade. There are no more scars. There is no more hiding.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
the Past is the Future
"Time goes by too slow," my best friend stated, that I finished with saying "when you're wanting something." And on the drive home I realized time was much slower wanting something you can't have.
Getting off of la cadena onto rancho street, there comes a stop sign and at that stop sign there was always a cop (or as I call them, "copper") watching from afar at the right side, making sure people weren't breaking any rules. I got so used to seeing him there, sitting in his cop car. I always wanted to wave hello, as if he knew me by my red kia. But tonight I noticed it had been a week since the copper had been there. And that felt like it went by too fast.
I wondered....was being in a relationship just like that? Having the security you need, the comfort knowing someone was there.... does that all go by too quick to notice, that when it's gone you miss it the most?
No one really knows when it's the right time to move on, or whether it'll take too long or too quick. We can't tell our hearts to let go, but our hearts tell us. I know my heart doesn't ache anymore when I see him, but it sure does miss someone. Whoever that someone is, I'm ready to drive every street till he's in the car with me. And sometimes, we all need a sign to tell us we're going the right way.
Getting off of la cadena onto rancho street, there comes a stop sign and at that stop sign there was always a cop (or as I call them, "copper") watching from afar at the right side, making sure people weren't breaking any rules. I got so used to seeing him there, sitting in his cop car. I always wanted to wave hello, as if he knew me by my red kia. But tonight I noticed it had been a week since the copper had been there. And that felt like it went by too fast.
I wondered....was being in a relationship just like that? Having the security you need, the comfort knowing someone was there.... does that all go by too quick to notice, that when it's gone you miss it the most?
No one really knows when it's the right time to move on, or whether it'll take too long or too quick. We can't tell our hearts to let go, but our hearts tell us. I know my heart doesn't ache anymore when I see him, but it sure does miss someone. Whoever that someone is, I'm ready to drive every street till he's in the car with me. And sometimes, we all need a sign to tell us we're going the right way.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Details in the Fabric
I was getting ready to drive to school one morning when a thought occured to mind: I hated love. And not so much because I've just experienced heart break, but because people become blind by love for far too long. They live their lives around it and hold onto it as long as they can, even if the one they love isn't holding back. I wondered if that was love at all if you give, give, give, only to be kicked to the curb.
Have you ever seen someone, who loves someone else, and you're being the outsider - you see everything. You know the deatils. You know what's being said behind each other's backs. You know who's lying and who's telling the truth, and how badly you want to pull that person away? You tell them to "let go" but they still don't know.....
Too many people these days are walking amongst this world looking for answers. And most of the time.... it's right in their face.
Have you ever seen someone, who loves someone else, and you're being the outsider - you see everything. You know the deatils. You know what's being said behind each other's backs. You know who's lying and who's telling the truth, and how badly you want to pull that person away? You tell them to "let go" but they still don't know.....
Too many people these days are walking amongst this world looking for answers. And most of the time.... it's right in their face.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Hold your own
I've definitely gotten lazy with this blogger. Then again, my mind has been spinning in circles, wandering off in many directions, only to trace back to its primary spot. As over-used as this is, my heart felt like it was on a rollar coaster, but I'm finally setting foot on land. My heart is in my own hands again, and it feels weird.....but I wouldn't have it any other way.
"If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it
And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine"
"If it's a broken part, replace it
If it's a broken arm then brace it
If it's a broken heart then face it
And hold your own
Know your name
And go your own way
And everything will be fine"
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
A time and place for everything
Justin prophesied that over me awhile back. We both didn't know what that meant - only God knew. I think I'm figuring out that missing puzzle piece. I'm so wrapped up in my life. I'll mess up. I won't get into the Word. I'll forget to pray. I'm not the greatest Christian to follow. I'm not a leader to look up to. Why would I be one of the Wise ones who remember to bring oil? No, I would be the foolish one, who wakes up and gets hit in the face by the Truth.
What's been on my heart lately is just that. I am so not prepared for the time that Jesus returns and it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be the foolish one. I want to be the Wise. I want to be greeted in with the Bridegroom. I don't want to be the goat that's cursed. I want to be a sheep. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you're just as behind as me. We are missing EVERYTHING!
What's been on my heart lately is just that. I am so not prepared for the time that Jesus returns and it scares the shit out of me. I don't want to be the foolish one. I want to be the Wise. I want to be greeted in with the Bridegroom. I don't want to be the goat that's cursed. I want to be a sheep. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you're just as behind as me. We are missing EVERYTHING!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Hey Girl, Hey!
Cela and I picked up Camille Thursday, after class, from the SB Train Station. I tried my best to embarrass her. : )
Monday, July 28, 2008
Boy---Friend
Reading through old journals makes time seem like it hasn't gone by. Nothing's changed. I'm taking my own advice from 2005. Which is simply, "You need to have your own backbone, before you know you'll fall without them." After every break up, are we always in search for love again, even when we don't want, or need it?
My friends will tell me DO NOT DATE, and my head agrees, but my heart is longing. I'm so used to someone there, 24/7, that when some new guy comes into my life my head thinks "what a good friend" while my heart is asking, "potential boyfriend?" Does this mean we have to use our heads instead of our hearts?
Lord knows my hearts desire in a relationship and He also knows when I'm ready for it. The time will come. I don't know why I stress about it. I don't know why I must plan everything out, why I must create my own Prince, when God WILL deliver. It's nothing to chase after. So I'll put an anchor in the water from my love boat. I'm not ready to sail the shore. The waves are too rough and the water will come in. I would sink in this love boat of mine.
Lets be patient. Lets enjoy the scenery. You could miss it if you don't pay attention........
"Too many shadows in my room
too many hours in this midnight
too many corners in my mind
so much to do to set my heart right
Oh its taking too long
i could be wrong
i could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume, it's still unsteady
I am in repair"
My friends will tell me DO NOT DATE, and my head agrees, but my heart is longing. I'm so used to someone there, 24/7, that when some new guy comes into my life my head thinks "what a good friend" while my heart is asking, "potential boyfriend?" Does this mean we have to use our heads instead of our hearts?
Lord knows my hearts desire in a relationship and He also knows when I'm ready for it. The time will come. I don't know why I stress about it. I don't know why I must plan everything out, why I must create my own Prince, when God WILL deliver. It's nothing to chase after. So I'll put an anchor in the water from my love boat. I'm not ready to sail the shore. The waves are too rough and the water will come in. I would sink in this love boat of mine.
Lets be patient. Lets enjoy the scenery. You could miss it if you don't pay attention........
"Too many shadows in my room
too many hours in this midnight
too many corners in my mind
so much to do to set my heart right
Oh its taking too long
i could be wrong
i could be ready
Oh but if I take my heart's advice
I should assume, it's still unsteady
I am in repair"
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Girls vs Boys
I was a total girl yesterday. I got picked up by my best friend Angela, to go with her and Shiloh to Dianna's. The plan was to go swimming, lay out, read magazines, talk about everything, then watch the seasons of Sex and the City. Most of that plan cut back and us three ladies left the pool to go get our nails done. My toes are now a fresh hot red, designed with flowers. We checked out the Crush store in Riverside, and I about died in Heaven... (the clothes were beautiful.) So. Even though I was a total girl, I became a total boy by the end of the night.
Laying out on Angela's bed, watching Season 3 of Sex and the City, I compared ourselves to the characters we've given each other. Angela was Carrie, who plays by Sarah Jessica Parker, Shiloh was Charlotte, who plays by Kristin Davis, Diana (who wasn't there) was Samantha, who plays by Kim Cattrall, and I was Miranda, who plays by Cynthia Nixon. I was surprised to see that our characters matched us perfectly. I was never a huge fan of the show, but I definitely became one.
Watching the episode about Miranda and her boyfriend (at the time) made clarity hit me in the face. She was the guy in the relationship and it was hard for him to put up with. But Miranda was Miranda. She's stubborn and forward, just like myself. Watching her become vunerable with him almost made me cry. Was I that hard to break?
Throughout my whole relationship with Michael I was always told I was the guy. Not that he was even close "to being a girl" (in the appropiate way) I was just too stubborn to have it any other way, and he was too lenient to argue... but no man likes to be put in his place, unless needed. I did however, become vunerable with him and finally let him lead the way, but it took time and I wonder now if I was too late. Thinking about that almost makes my stomach turn. I don't think I'm ready to face the memory lane just yet, so I'll get back to my point.
I wonder if guys expect your heart right away. I wonder if any guy will ever be patient enough to wait for it. For my heart, that is. And if they wait, will it be worth it?
I guess this time Alone is more needed then I thought.
Laying out on Angela's bed, watching Season 3 of Sex and the City, I compared ourselves to the characters we've given each other. Angela was Carrie, who plays by Sarah Jessica Parker, Shiloh was Charlotte, who plays by Kristin Davis, Diana (who wasn't there) was Samantha, who plays by Kim Cattrall, and I was Miranda, who plays by Cynthia Nixon. I was surprised to see that our characters matched us perfectly. I was never a huge fan of the show, but I definitely became one.
Watching the episode about Miranda and her boyfriend (at the time) made clarity hit me in the face. She was the guy in the relationship and it was hard for him to put up with. But Miranda was Miranda. She's stubborn and forward, just like myself. Watching her become vunerable with him almost made me cry. Was I that hard to break?
Throughout my whole relationship with Michael I was always told I was the guy. Not that he was even close "to being a girl" (in the appropiate way) I was just too stubborn to have it any other way, and he was too lenient to argue... but no man likes to be put in his place, unless needed. I did however, become vunerable with him and finally let him lead the way, but it took time and I wonder now if I was too late. Thinking about that almost makes my stomach turn. I don't think I'm ready to face the memory lane just yet, so I'll get back to my point.
I wonder if guys expect your heart right away. I wonder if any guy will ever be patient enough to wait for it. For my heart, that is. And if they wait, will it be worth it?
I guess this time Alone is more needed then I thought.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Turn me around
So it's almost 4:30, dinner is being prepared to cook in the kitchen, and there's music playing in the living room (for my dad as he cooks), my little brother's bedroom, and the computer room that I am in. Its funny how much the music can relax us and fill our bodies at ease.
I definitely needed this ease, as I'm listening to Vedera's "Taking Chances."
I was sitting on my bed looking through my folder of everything I've written. Some of them are still hard to read, because I can still remember the feelings I put into them. Some, made me smile, but they all had a story to tell. I love stories. I love telling them. Fiction or not. I'm not into reading, or writing, about what hair products to use, or how to lose weight. But then again, I've never been impressed with my own writing.
All I want to do in life is put everything I have onto a sheet of paper, for the whole world to take into their own perspective and (hopefully) can get something out of my insight. I have had some people tell me Becoming a Journalist is the last thing I can do. Of course, I want to prove them wrong, but I'm sensitive and when it comes to something that means a lot to me I believe in those harsh words.
So, sitting on my bed, reading along lines I wrote a year ago, a month ago, a week..... I only beat myself up about now. And I'm here, venting through my writing about how crappy of a writer I am! Sigh.....
But then there's the music. The music that brings your body at ease, remember? God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought this into Life. So thank you. Now enjoy.
"Taking Chances"
We're taking chances, moving on your own
We're looking to our hearts to tell us yes or no
Throwing out the mirrors, gonna look within
Were you calling out, "can we begin again?"
A simple phrase, a simple sound
To find some way, know somehow
To know that i can find a way to be with you
And we keep growing, as long as i keep growing
I'll be fine
So let me find my footing now
Along the bridge that i have found
If i keep falling down somehow
You know that you can turn me around
I definitely needed this ease, as I'm listening to Vedera's "Taking Chances."
I was sitting on my bed looking through my folder of everything I've written. Some of them are still hard to read, because I can still remember the feelings I put into them. Some, made me smile, but they all had a story to tell. I love stories. I love telling them. Fiction or not. I'm not into reading, or writing, about what hair products to use, or how to lose weight. But then again, I've never been impressed with my own writing.
All I want to do in life is put everything I have onto a sheet of paper, for the whole world to take into their own perspective and (hopefully) can get something out of my insight. I have had some people tell me Becoming a Journalist is the last thing I can do. Of course, I want to prove them wrong, but I'm sensitive and when it comes to something that means a lot to me I believe in those harsh words.
So, sitting on my bed, reading along lines I wrote a year ago, a month ago, a week..... I only beat myself up about now. And I'm here, venting through my writing about how crappy of a writer I am! Sigh.....
But then there's the music. The music that brings your body at ease, remember? God knew exactly what He was doing when He brought this into Life. So thank you. Now enjoy.
"Taking Chances"
We're taking chances, moving on your own
We're looking to our hearts to tell us yes or no
Throwing out the mirrors, gonna look within
Were you calling out, "can we begin again?"
A simple phrase, a simple sound
To find some way, know somehow
To know that i can find a way to be with you
And we keep growing, as long as i keep growing
I'll be fine
So let me find my footing now
Along the bridge that i have found
If i keep falling down somehow
You know that you can turn me around
Monday, July 21, 2008
when the Blind can See
My life, in many ways, is wonderful. I’m more blessed than one can be, but in life there’s always going to be something to try and bring you down. For instance, one of the worst feelings in the world is knowing your heart’s about to break. We always can feel it in advance and even though we know what’s headed our way we still stand and take it. Like many, I’ve been fighting this thing called Love for quite some time. I’ve been in the position of feeling like a rock thrown into the ocean. I’d skip to each wave, above the water, but like all rocks we fall straight down; the weight we carry can’t be held anymore.
The moment I put my guard down and give someone a chance is the moment I realize, in the end, its my own heart that’s going to hurt, and yet I still continue this cycle. I put myself at fault for the unsuccessful results, when truthfully I deserve more credit than I give myself. Though, through all these aches and tears there’s only one thing getting us through the day…..which are things we already have. I’ll seek for love as if I don’t have it and if you’re like me then we both need to take a step back and embrace our Blessings.
One things for sure, our hearts are never (and I mean never) to go mistreated. We have to be cautious when playing this thing called Love. There is no reason to fight for someone when they’re not willing to fight for you. Once we believe in the truth our blind eyes will finally see and our hearts will not be like rocks. We won’t be falling down much longer. The weight will surpass and we will see the bubbles start to form. We can breathe again. We can, and will.
Job 33:4
The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.
The moment I put my guard down and give someone a chance is the moment I realize, in the end, its my own heart that’s going to hurt, and yet I still continue this cycle. I put myself at fault for the unsuccessful results, when truthfully I deserve more credit than I give myself. Though, through all these aches and tears there’s only one thing getting us through the day…..which are things we already have. I’ll seek for love as if I don’t have it and if you’re like me then we both need to take a step back and embrace our Blessings.
One things for sure, our hearts are never (and I mean never) to go mistreated. We have to be cautious when playing this thing called Love. There is no reason to fight for someone when they’re not willing to fight for you. Once we believe in the truth our blind eyes will finally see and our hearts will not be like rocks. We won’t be falling down much longer. The weight will surpass and we will see the bubbles start to form. We can breathe again. We can, and will.
Job 33:4
The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.
Thursday, July 17, 2008
My July
New things poping in and out of my life. Birthdays galore. Joyful moments. Emotional times. Favorite songs. Conquering fears. I don't know about you but that's how my July has been so far. I'd like to take more of the happiness though.
Monday, July 14, 2008
So long, Good-bye
I've been getting into the band 10 years - hence the title. I don't really care what you have to say about that blogger; I like what I like.
Besides the fact that I'm singing along to this amazing song, I choose the title for another reason. This week has been my favorite of all. Not because I've done something exciting, it's actually quite opposite. I've spent this whole week attending my speech class for an hour then hanging out with my family. I'd go support my little brother with his baseball games, even when they're out in Hesperia and we find out as soon as we get there that the game's been cancelled due to the storm and lightening. I guess that's what happens when you go in seperate cars, but that's beside the point. I spent this whole week reflecting my family: having joy and relief and letting God be in charge. I didn't worry about my heart. I didn't worry about missing someone. I didn't worry about putting the effort anymore. It was my week with the most important people to me.
I've realized this "so long, goodbye" has been a struggle for the last four months, but I'm finally able to agree with everyone who's been getting me through this: I can let go and move on. I've had to do this a few times before, but when you don't imagine it happening again it hurts you more because you've been disappointed, or let down. Especially when you put your whole heart into something just to find out you've gotten burned in the end makes you not want to try again. And I'm not saying I am trying again, however I am afraid to. But that's why we have God, right? To turn to, to lean on, and to even rejoice with.
Step 1. Let go
- You've done it before. You've let go of the past. Now let go of this pain.
Step 2. Move forward
- Not in the sense of someone new, not "to replace", but in the sense of Get on with your life! Don't let heart ache bring you down. You are stronger than this.
Step 3. Take a look around
- You have everything you will ever need. Isn't that crazy? You don't have to look for it, you don't have to fight for it, it's in your hands!
So I guess I'll close this with the chorus. "So long, this is goodbye May we meet again in another life Like strangers passing by May we see it clearly in a different light"
Besides the fact that I'm singing along to this amazing song, I choose the title for another reason. This week has been my favorite of all. Not because I've done something exciting, it's actually quite opposite. I've spent this whole week attending my speech class for an hour then hanging out with my family. I'd go support my little brother with his baseball games, even when they're out in Hesperia and we find out as soon as we get there that the game's been cancelled due to the storm and lightening. I guess that's what happens when you go in seperate cars, but that's beside the point. I spent this whole week reflecting my family: having joy and relief and letting God be in charge. I didn't worry about my heart. I didn't worry about missing someone. I didn't worry about putting the effort anymore. It was my week with the most important people to me.
I've realized this "so long, goodbye" has been a struggle for the last four months, but I'm finally able to agree with everyone who's been getting me through this: I can let go and move on. I've had to do this a few times before, but when you don't imagine it happening again it hurts you more because you've been disappointed, or let down. Especially when you put your whole heart into something just to find out you've gotten burned in the end makes you not want to try again. And I'm not saying I am trying again, however I am afraid to. But that's why we have God, right? To turn to, to lean on, and to even rejoice with.
Step 1. Let go
- You've done it before. You've let go of the past. Now let go of this pain.
Step 2. Move forward
- Not in the sense of someone new, not "to replace", but in the sense of Get on with your life! Don't let heart ache bring you down. You are stronger than this.
Step 3. Take a look around
- You have everything you will ever need. Isn't that crazy? You don't have to look for it, you don't have to fight for it, it's in your hands!
So I guess I'll close this with the chorus. "So long, this is goodbye May we meet again in another life Like strangers passing by May we see it clearly in a different light"
Thursday, July 10, 2008
My first little rant
I swear I'm going to use this thing. It's just taken some time.
On a bad note. I'm tired of running in circles and getting my hopes up. I'm still sick, which doesn't help this running around. I'm worried my actions are going to start speaking louder than words. Also, tonight is one of my best friends going away party and crying + sickness = a no bueno picture.
On a good note. School is fairly easy this summer. Speech class was once my worst nightmare but now the storm is gone and the sun is shining. In other words: I'm doing AWESOME and I'm comfortable, which means my inner personality pours out. My teacher actually told me, "you don't strike me as someone who's shy. you strike me as someone who's kick ass." YUP. ME.
Well that's it for now.
On a bad note. I'm tired of running in circles and getting my hopes up. I'm still sick, which doesn't help this running around. I'm worried my actions are going to start speaking louder than words. Also, tonight is one of my best friends going away party and crying + sickness = a no bueno picture.
On a good note. School is fairly easy this summer. Speech class was once my worst nightmare but now the storm is gone and the sun is shining. In other words: I'm doing AWESOME and I'm comfortable, which means my inner personality pours out. My teacher actually told me, "you don't strike me as someone who's shy. you strike me as someone who's kick ass." YUP. ME.
Well that's it for now.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Elephant
“You’ll always be my pillow.” Damien Rice made it pretty clear that no body wants to be a pillow inside a pillow case. So what gives you the idea that I wanted to be? I wanted to be the blanket that covers you, not something you turn your back on. But here we are, on two separate beds.
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